Vibes

You didn’t miss anything. I wrote this a year ago. October 2021. I didn’t publish it. I can’t explain it but Ryan’s one year anniversary was looming and my mind shifted away from the blog. Pick up from here and carry on. It is written from that period of time.

Let’s go back to last Halloween. October 31, 2020. We (meaning the kids and myself) really love it. About 2 years before Ryan passed away, I was trying to talk him out of Halloween and trick or treating. Or to down play it a bit. But each year he was pumped for it. Halloween has always been a bit of a big deal around here with the kids. I see it as a time of creative expression and fun. My kids knew that they wanted to be by July. It’s hard to see decorations and costumes in the neighbourhood and stores. It’s very final for me. I wanted Ryan to move away from it so much and now that he’s not here, I miss the spirit around it. Yet another first without him.

Aidan was quite a bit more animated with Halloween, always looking to make and create something from nothing by the way of his costume. Ryan was more of a ‘store bought’ costume kid. Anyone remember the fat suit costume he begged me to order online? Until last year, we fashioned his costume which I partly made and partly bought. I felt so bad for Ryan as trick or treating was cancelled due to COVID and wearing your costume to online school is just not the same. He was DJ Marshmello. It turned out great. Picture attached at the end of this read if you aren’t sure who that it is. Halloween night, we took Billy for a walk, Ryan rode his BMX in his costume to see if there was anyone out. We managed to find one house on our street who was bold enough to hand out candy in the most creative, contactless way. It cheered him up a bit.

This is a really strange time. As we anticipate Ryan’s one year anniversary coming up, the change in season, changes around the house, and the climate with the state of the country and world, it’s all just different. Over the spring and summer, I painted and updated all the bedrooms, the hallway, redecorated the guest room and we finished off the garage complete with a full gym. I have organized drawers, cupboards, bought new home decor and the like. Therapy tells me its normal to want to make changes after something like this. Some people can’t and leave things like a shrine until they feel ready to make change. Everyone is different. As much as its a fresh look and update, it doesn’t change that feeling of something empty and that is missing. I am terrified of erasing Ryan’s memory here, that’s not my reasoning for making change. I think the changes are a coping mechanism to keep busy. Distraction. Channelling emotions into something productive. Trying to create fresh energy in the home. There’s plenty more to do as well.

In spring 2021, we needed to replace our roof. The gentleman who ran the company was doing a final inspection of the job with Erik. I joined them. As we looked at the house from across the street, the owner of the roofing company commented that he sensed something was not right with our home. Respectfully, he said he felt it from the start of the job. He and Erik had discussed it and told me about it as he expressed his condolences. I asked him what it was he sensed. He said there was a sad energy vibe. He explained that he had some intuitive notions and that he could tell something not right had happened here. Erik had confided in him what we had been through the last 6 months. It was very emotional. Bad vibes.

Intuitive or not, a complete stranger could read that from us. Sense that there was a darkness here. To think that depth of emotion emits from the energy of our home.

It makes me aware of how we are perceived by others too. Obviously we are always aware of Ryan’s heart breaking absence at all times. We don’t want to be defined by it but its always there. His absence is there when a neighbour stops to talk. It’s there when you drive by the house. It's there when it’s a Friday. It’s there when it’s a holiday. When we look across the street to school. We know. Even if nothing is said about Ryan, I always sense the unsaid topic in so many situations. Do I say something? Do the people I am with want to ask or talk about it? Why are they tilting their head like that at me? Sad eyes. Having to divulge to people who don’t know what happened is challenging because not only do you know you are about to say something that is incredibly sad but while you are conjuring the courage to say it you are also anticipating how one will react when you deliver that unexpected, personal piece of information. Now, when I say ‘having to say what happened’, I am referring to moments when people ask you about your children, your life, or something related to children that gives you not much choice to say it. Unless I choose to avoid the conversation or lie. It’s really hard. It’s not that we are telling all kinds of strangers what happened, believe me, we are selective about how we discuss Ryan and to whom. But when it does come up, its never a straight line, it all depends on our mood, circumstance and setting. The worst question is ‘How old are your kids?’. Talking about it is incredibly exhausting. I can maintain being calm the majority of the time when talking about what happened to Ryan. But I can also become quickly zapped and mentally drained when the moment passes. The effect of sad vibes.

Vibes are a contagious energy. Vibes originates from 'vibrations' which are frequencies or waves. Not only do you interpret vibrations from the environment around you, you also create vibrations with your emotions and thoughts. Vibration and frequency have been used in healing ways for hundreds of years. Being around a negative person or toxic setting can put you in a bad vibe frame of mind, in turn, you give off a negative energy. Raising your vibration by aiming for positive emotional set points by surrounding yourself in more positive situations, company, practices and the like, changes your vibe to that of a more contented state. I can see how this is applicable to us. I have done a few sage smudges to clear the energy since the conversation about the sadness coming from our home was brought to us.

One day when I was out shopping in a store for clothes, the sales girl commented to me how sad I looked. If she only knew. I guess the vibe from me that day was glaringly obvious as it was a Friday, I had been really upset before I went in the store as I was processing some heavy information about Ryan. I was alone and I was trying to keep to myself. I can only concur that my energy was so sad that she sensed it to the point of calling it out. While she played it off to be chipper and cheer me up. All I could say was that she was right, I was just so sad and was having a really bad day. She left me alone but still tried to keep upbeat. I did not say why. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to fake it. As I left the store, she ended with a ‘Hope you have a better rest of your day’. It’s also easy to get annoyed by pleasantries. But people don’t know what they don’t know and this is apparent to me all the time now.

Another perspective on vibes is the dog. Billy has a calm vibe. He is sweet and loving. But there is a sadness about him. Behind his dark brown eye mask markings, you can sense a sorrowfulness. I believe he now understands what has happened in our family. I cannot bring myself to say Ryan’s name in front of him. He immediately comes to us when we are sad, crying, or in need of comfort. He is always by our side. Quietly offering himself to be stroked, smelled, or be cuddled. Pets are amazingly therapeutic. I have no doubt he grieves Ryan. And that he knows one of his gifts is to comfort and distract us.

It’s is not all doom and gloom 24 hours a day. You will most likely have been in our company where we are experiencing the moment that is joyful and even celebratory. Erik turned 50 this year, we had a surprise party for him outside. I just wanted to cheer him up. And it did. Get togethers, nights out, lunches, dinners, outings are all things we take joy in. Plus, the day to day things can give moments of reprieve where we aren’t necessarily in a somber state. We are still allowed to be happy and grieve our child. Grief is episodic and can display itself in thousands of ways. It’s just not on a schedule. Nor does it cooperate with us all the time. There can be huge swings in the vibe we are in, what we emanate and attract. That is one of the dark sides of our existence since losing Ryan.

Ryan as DJ Marshmallo, our last Halloween

Some fun Halloween memories with the kids

Aidan as DeadMau5

Ryan 2 years old