Meh.

BLOG 10

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, described five common stages of grief.

They include:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Kübler-Ross first introduced her five stage grief model in her book On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross’ model was based off her work with terminally ill patients and has received much criticism in the years since. Mainly, because people studying her model mistakenly believed this is the specific order in which people grieve and that all people go through all stages. Kübler-Ross now notes that these stages are not linear and some people may not experience any of them. Yet and still, others might only undergo two stages rather than all five, one stage, three stages, etc. It is now more readily known that these five stages of grief are the most commonly observed experienced by the grieving population.

I highlight the part about Kübler-Ross retracting her findings and that one may never experience any of these so interesting. How can anyone put a label on the timing, stage and feeling of grief? It’s SO personal. It is dependent on the individual. This model was developed from a study based off of a group of people who knew they were dying as well as the family members. Not sudden death, child loss, or traumatic and accidental death. The reason I write about this to you the reader is when you are trying to define grief or are trying to help someone who is grieving or even understanding your own grief, there is no model. Feelings are feelings. This psychiatrist many years later realized that this cant be put in a box for all to follow. You could stay in one feeling forever when you are impacted by death. You could have a sense of relief in your grief, that’s the feeling I have for my aunt and uncle who passed away from complications from dementia. Grateful that their suffering was over. When my Dad passed away, I also felt a sense of relief as the man died slowly from cancer after 3 years. The feeling I have about my father in law who died suddenly still remains of sadness and absence. Friends who died accidentally and far too young, I still feel disbelief and anger. The point is that while yes, you do move through a lot of feelings and stages, it’s hard to ‘move on’ without being permanently connected to a certain feeling about your grief. So while I cant say I’m in the ‘bargaining’ stage or ‘depression’ stage that this model so neatly lays out, I can say that it all really depends on the day. Each day is different in what it brings. What stays the same is the trauma and total disbelief that Ryan was here and now he is not.

Something that used to annoy me was when you would acknowledge a stranger like by saying hello in passing or smiling and they wouldn’t acknowledge back. I would silently think how miserable that person was or how rude to not notion back. But as I now walk the dog or am in my car or shopping alone, sometimes depending on my mood or thought, I don’t always notice, hear or react when someone offers a kind pleasantry. I see it differently now. Maybe that person didn’t acknowledge back because they are going through something, or they just got terrible news or are in trauma themselves at that moment. I get it. I no longer judge the silent, who are lost in thought or sadness, depression, anger or whatever it is. Please do the same. It’s so kind to be kind and it may not always be reciprocated the same way but we shouldn’t get annoyed by it, you just never know what someone is dealing with.

September has been bittersweet. I want to thank those people who checked in or even thought of us the week of back to school this year. As we live directly across the street from Ryan’s school, I absentmindedly took the dog for a walk right as the kids were going in on the first day back. That was hard. I thought I would be ok. I quickly walked directly east of the school to get away from the hustle and bustle of drop offs and cried. Seeing Ryan’s school friends, taller, maturing, and all set for grade 8 really conjured up a lot sadness for me. My son is immortalized in my brain as he was, 11 years old, size 3 shoes, desperate to be taller, heavier, a young boy while all these other kids are older and getting so grown up. High school was so close. As both of our children were blessed with artistic talents, we had tried to get Ryan into Don Mills Middle school when he was leaving elementary school so he could attend an arts based program. He wasn’t selected for that which turned out to be a relief. He had his sights set on Wexford C.I (an arts high school) for grade 9 like his big brother. That was supposed to be the plan. Aidan tells us that Ryan could have gotten in with the level of art he was doing in grade 6. I believe him.

The highlight of September was Aidan turning 19! And finally getting his G2 drivers license. After the test got cancelled 3 times with the pandemic, it was heart warming to see him experience some well deserved joy. Its not been an easy time as you can imagine and there have been big bumps in Aidan’s journey through this. He also got a new job which also was a win for him and our bank accounts.

And this takes me to why I am writing today. Another fall Friday. And it’s Thanksgiving weekend. Lots of questions about how we are with it. Meh is all I can say. It’s another ‘first’ without Ryan. Another holiday, big meal event and gathering without him. I just don’t care. I cant help it. I could eat a bowl of cereal on Sunday and not worry about what the day is. It used to be our family tradition to close the trailer and have Thanksgiving up north. That’s no longer and that has also been an adjustment. It’s weird how I want to just rush through holidays now. But in the spirit of trying to keep some normalcy around here, we will make a nice dinner. We try our best to keep one foot in front of the other for stability and remind ourselves that Ryan would want the turkey and gravy. And Aidan loves the stuffing.

If anything this weekend, if you observe gratitude at Thanksgiving, be grateful for your kids. And your parents. You never want to know what it’s like to be without a child that is gone forever. And if you don’t have kids, know that your parents if living, would be lost without you. Be safe, be well.

Aidan and Ryan first day of school (Aidan Grade 5 and Ryan JK)

Ryan's last 'first day of school' photo taken (Grade 7 online)

One of Ryan's drawings (grade 5)